How To Stay Faithful & Be Monogamous With Your Long-term Lover
There are a number of common problems experienced by many couples.
Dealing With Unequal Sexual Desire
Video – unequal sexual desire
Many people see unequal levels of sexual desire in a monogamous relationship as a major problem. How, you may wonder, can you stay faithful when there is such a disparity in sex drive, except perhaps by shutting off your own sexual vitality?
However, almost every couple have mismatched desire, with either the man or the woman wanting sex more often their partner. And yet, when couples start to make love, things change. Even with a lack of interest in the initial stages, the very act of engaging in sex with their long term partner is sufficient for them to become sexually aroused. And that means it is possible to engage fully in lovemaking, and enjoy it regardless of who initially wanted to have sex.
So rather than look for long-winded solutions to this problem, the answer may be very simple indeed: simply make a deal with your partner.
What does that deal look like? Anything that satisfies both partners! For example, if it is the man who has a higher need for sex within the relationship, his partner might agree to a more intercourse if he agrees to pleasure her with extended foreplay before penetration. Alternatively, she might agree to have sex more often if the couple take a romantic weekend away once a month.
The point is this: for a couple who can communicate effectively and state their wishes clearly, there need be no problem in coming to an arrangement which allows both partners to get what they want with dignity and respect for the other.
Overcome Fear of Sexual Pleasure
We’ve been so subject to the propaganda of the church for so long, as well as cultural and social beliefs about sex and its negative aspects, that it can be hard to dispel the deep-seated myths and beliefs which inhibit us from enjoying sex for pleasure alone. Read this if this is a problem for you.
The mid life crisis
There’s been a lot of discussion recently about the midlife crisis and the andropause and whether it’s a genuine experience for men between the ages of 40 and 50. However, it clearly is.
The male midlife crisis and associated andropause is a real event for many men and causes a great deal of worry, anxiety and self-doubt for a great many men.
Unfortunately it’s also a cause of much suffering and anxiety for their partners and families, as they witness the changes in their partner, husband, lover or father.
It can test long term faithfulness to the limits, and is often something which breaks the commitment to monogamy.
One of the reasons that many in the medical profession do not accept there is a male midlife crisis is that they do not really recognise the effect of the drop in testosterone levels in men around midlife. (For a significant number of men there is a very abrupt and sharp drop in testosterone anywhere between the late 30s and the mid 50s that leads to a very noticeable set of symptoms reminiscent of the female menopause.)
These include lack of sex drive and loss of erections, a loss of direction in life, aching muscles, irritability, a lack of energy, a sense of hopelessness or depression, and even loss of muscle tissue.
Men in this situation need treating with testosterone replacement therapy. In fact, I would argue that any man around midlife needs treating with testosterone therapy if he shows a significant drop in testosterone. There’s a more complete discussion of this issue here.
Video – the male andropause
In any event, there’s no doubt that a significant number of men around mid life lose interest in sex and experience a lack of sex drive because of the hormonal changes which they are going through.
If you think this may apply to you, it’s important that you seek out advice from a competent doctor, one who knows what he’s doing around male hormonal issues.
Before you seek any advice, I would recommend that you read both of these books: The Testosterone Revolution by Malcolm Carruthers, and The Testosterone Syndrome: The Critical Factor for Energy, Health and Sexuality: Reversing the Male Menopause by Eugene Shippen.
Problems with your body image
You need to be comfortable with nudity of your own and your partner’s body to enjoy really good sex. When you feel shame about your body, there’s little or no possibility of enjoying totally uninhibited and passionate sex. If you make love with the lights off because you’re frightened what your partner might think of your body, you’re probably not going to enjoy sex very much.
But to really fall in love with someone – and to stay in love with them – you have to be comfortable in all aspects of your being with them – naked or not! The fact is, love knows no bounds, so trust your partner and respect their trust in you.
A little low mood lighting can be very helpful in making you feel comfortable while you make love. But if either of you is turning the lights down low because you want to avoid looking at your own body or your partner’s body, or even just certain parts of them, then you have a problem that needs to be addressed.
Remarkably, even couples with an active sex life sometimes avoid confronting those parts of the body of which they are ashamed by never getting totally naked with each other.
This means they can’t be enjoying the uninhibited and exuberant sex that everyone deserves.
There are many ways of becoming more familiar and comfortable with your own and your partner’s body within a stable relationship that do not involve explicit sexual activity. For example, any reasonably intimate act such as the washing each other’s hair, massaging each other’s legs or back, applying skin cream or sun lotion.
All of these, and many more, can help you to establish a greater level of comfort, both in terms of looking at, and in terms of touching, your partner’s body.
It’s a fact that we all have flabby bits, we all have bits we wish were different, whether this is as public as a fat belly, or as personal as your opinion of the size of your penis.
Nonetheless, with age and decreasing exercise, we do tend to develop signs and symptoms of aging, such as high blood pressure and high cholesterol levels. These things need to be treated, as they can shorten your life.
When you think about it, it’s only the cultural pressure to have a perfect body which comes from images in magazines, billboards, advertising, and perhaps most insidious of all, porn, that makes us believe our bodies are inadequate.
We didn’t grow up thinking our bodies were inadequate; someone or something taught us to believe that.
If you doubt this, consider that if you’d lived all your life with your partner yet never been exposed to these images, you wouldn’t have any qualms about your body – you’d just accept it the way it is.