Premature ejaculation

PE is one of those strange things: some men have it, and it doesn’t  worry them or damage their sex lives. But other men have it and it becomes a massive issue for them, creating a devastating impact on their relationships.

Firstly, not lasting long enough during sex really needn’t be an issue for a couple. Women seldom define good lovers by how long they can last in bed before they ejaculate! After all, being a good lover has a lot to do with being emotionally available, relaxed, self confident and attentive.

Additionally, ejaculating quickly can also teach men to get better at other sexual activities such as kissing or oral sex, which can last a long time – indeed, as long as you want. these are activities which allow you to get away from the sex-means-thrusting equation.

So really, premature ejaculation doesn’t have to be an issue from a woman’s point of view. There are plenty of other fun things to do in bed and having sex with a guy who is generous with all sorts of other activities will suit most women better than prolonged thrusting. So, if you are a guy who wants to last a lot longer, remember that the women in your life may be much much less bothered by it than you are yourself!

Premature ejaculation and relationships

Additionally, reaching the point of ejaculation very quickly doesn’t have to be an issue as there are good treatments which men can use to alleviate the problem. 

It is important to women that men make some efforts to improve themselves and what they offer to their partners. Learning how to last longer during sex to improve your sexual stamina is a way of taking responsibility for your life and shows your partner that she matters to you. It’s also a great way of getting greater sexual pride and self-confidence – something that helps you feel you are in charge of your life! Most women don’t think having a tendency to ejaculate quickly is a big deal, but they do want a man to take responsibility for himself and his sexual performance.

Premature ejaculation – why don’t men last longer in bed?

However, PE does have some complicated aspects. Most men who ejaculate quickly actually suffer from low self esteem or depression or anxiety first, and then hang their sense of “I am not good enough” onto their sexual abilities – part of which is the fact that they come very quickly during sex. (See also life positions in this psychology  website.)

The fact that men then start to feel ashamed and inadequate after sex fuels the cycle and may create a great amount of misery and negative feelings for a man. But they are only doing what comes naturally, i.e. not lasting very long during sex, and it can be dealt with. It’s important that men recognize that how long you last during sex is only one part of the whole “premature” issue, and that they really need to look at their self-esteem and the way they relate to themselves as well – preferably before looking at how to last longer during sex.

If you don’t think you’ll ever be a capable lover, or have a worthwhile long term relationship, think of this: from a woman’s point of view a lack of self-esteem in a man can be disheartening, a real turn-off, infuriating, or simply very sad. Self-confidence balanced by honesty and a degree of modesty is very attractive in men, and probably much more of a turn-on for a woman than how long you last after entering her.

And, for a woman, seeing the man she loves feeling bad after sex can be very damaging to her self-confidence – not to mention the fact that she’ll feel sad about this. If a woman also struggles with her sexuality and sense of attractiveness, both partners may impact on each other negatively and reinforce each other’s worst assumptions about themselves.

Finally, a man worrying about his ejaculation may be missing the fact that it’s not really that much of a problem for his partner: he may not be listening to her reassurance, nor really present and enjoying sex with her. An internal dialogue of thoughts and feelings about premature ejaculation may take a man away from feeling loving and close to his partner and instead lock him into a prison of self-inflicted misery.

This is deeply disappointing process to a woman. After a while, some women will get fed up with their lover’s lack of confidence, at which point their men need to do something about their beliefs around how long they last in bed and the length of time for which sex lasts before dealing with premature ejaculation and finally their self-confidence in general.

In short, improving your self-confidence, perhaps through therapy, so that you like, love and respect yourself and are more open and emotionally available to your partner, may help more than worrying about sex and the speed of your orgasm. But it also helps to get more self-control! (Which doesn’t mean that women do see it as a big deal when a man can’t last long enough – but sex is better for all concerned.)

Even so, there will always be a small minority of women who use the fact that a man reaches orgasm quickly during intercourse to put him down or reject him in some way. These women may make the man responsible for their sexual satisfaction (which they feel can only be achieved through prolonged genital intercourse).Such women avoid looking at their own issues, sexual and otherwise, by putting the blame for unsatisfactory sex onto their partner. 

Lasting longer in bed for men does not mean women are not responsible for their own lives, their sexual satisfaction, and their own sexual abilities: so if there are fixed roles in your relationship in which you, the man, experience yourself constantly as the “bad one” and as “not good enough”, then perhaps you need to consider if this is really a couple issue. Conventional sex roles have lasted long enough, and maybe it’s time they changed.

Last but not least, have some hope, whether you are a man with premature ejaculation or a woman in love with such a man. Ejaculating too soon is something you can deal with – but it may involve taking a long, hard look at yourself and your relationship.