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More About Delayed Ejaculation

Can’t Ejaculate During Sex?

Read this book to find out about couples’ experience of ejaculation problems.

Here’s what one guy emailed to me about his experience of DE:

I have read through the content (of this book) and so far this has helped me see some things from a new set of eyes and dispel some unhealthy and non-productive thought processes which have been inhibiting me – mental blindspots, so to speak. But here is my story…

I actually first had sex much later than most men. I was always very horny as an adolescent and was never shy to masturbate. I was always easily turned on and still am, and get erect straight away with women from either cuddling, kissing, dancing, etc … even sometimes when talking over the phone non-sexually but simply being excited by the girl nonetheless!

Women have even commented on how I’m hard so soon and that they like this because they don’t need to turn me on. The problems started from my first time having sex with a girl. I was SO nervous I got extremely cold and was physically shaking.

When I eventually pulled myself together and the interaction with her was building and we were about to have sex, as soon as it became 100% certain and there was no turning back and we were going to have sex, at that moment where I had to step up and insert my penis, I got nervous again and lost my erection.

Delayed Ejaculation Due To Emotional Pressure

After that I settled down and the girl wanted to go to sleep, but I got aroused again and was desperate to have sex. Something wasn’t right – I couldn’t even ejaculate during intercourse. This exact cycle repeated with other girls.

Each time I would beat myself up more and more and couldn’t understand how I could be so aroused but when it came time to have sex it felt like my penis lost all feeling and I completely lost my erection.

I made it worse for myself by thinking how this shouldn’t happen to a man, and telling myself that no-one else suffered from this. It was only as I got more experienced that I realized alcohol plays its part. In these early sexual experiences which were the end of various “nights out”, there was drink involved.

Video – delayed ejaculation

Eventually, I had sex with a girl who became my long term girlfriend and this problem went away, however intermittently I would suffer from a delayed ejaculation. Now I’m single again, both problems have re-occurred. I have taken as honest a look as possible at myself and tried to find out what is going on in my head. Here is where I think my problems stem from:

  • Because of the problems above, I learned to become good at foreplay (I guess as a defense mechanism so that even if I couldn’t perform, I could satisfy her and make her orgasm) and I naturally get turned on by her being turned on, which I love. But this leaves me getting in my head and being tied up too much in if she is enjoying it to the point that if she isn’t then neither will I.
  • I got body-shy as an adolescent and thought I had a small penis, as I think I’m a “grower not a shower” so to speak, but when erect I am above average size and had compliments from women which I felt were just kind-hearted encouragement. Does a lack of self-confidence play a part in my delayed climax, do you think?
  • I had a deep rooted sense that women don’t enjoy sex and do it as a favor for the man (“lie back and think of your duty” sort of thing), where this came from I can only guess. Maybe from the media or women joking about sexually incompetent men, or maybe the stereotype of the woman making the man wait for sex. However, this led me to make the incorrect links and associations in my head. Delayed ejaculation is not so simple, I know that now!
  • I have my own unique way of masturbating, its sort of a fingers and thumb grip, quite hard with no real contact with my palm. The other thing is the rhythm of it, it is normal and then when I get the natural good feelings of arousal up the shaft I follow them up to the head of the penis and change to a shorter more vigorous motion to enhance the feeling. However this has led to problems now. Women use a more standard, softer grip with a standard up down motion. Obviously they can’t feel those feelings I get in the shaft of my penis so don’t know to change the motion. (Editor’s note: traumatic masturbatory syndrome is a common cause of problems ejaculating.)
  • I have always felt embarrassed talking about sex and self-conscious of being some type of sleazy guy around women. When instead I should realize my desires come from the right place and they are healthy and what being a man is all about.
  • I have in the past masturbated against my mattress but I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve done this. It leads me to ejaculate quite quickly.
  • As I got into my head about needing to be the best at foreplay, I have started to see that I neglected the fact that I need turning-on too, and yet I couldn’t answer a girl if she asked me how or where I like to be touched. I have made the mistake that just because I am erect that I am turned on!
  • The big one that I feel really applies to me is that I can’t let go, enjoy the moment and lose myself in the sex, I am a bit of a control freak and perfectionist with myself! Is this the cause of my difficulties with ejaculation?
  • I am more in my head than body, wondering if  she enjoys it, am I taking too long to cum, what ‘should’ I be doing next to overcome my ejaculation “slowness”? And for some reason I get really self conscious about how I’ll look and sound when I climax and get embarrassed, ridiculous huh? And this is what I feel is the major issue for me! Rationally I look at it and say, “I love nothing more than to see her cum because of me” but I can’t seem to apply it to the same truth that she is wanting to see and feel me cum, maybe it stems from the ‘women not liking sex’ thing I mentioned before.
     
  • I don’t know if it’s related but I also get pee shy at urinals.
  • When I feel myself not ejaculating, in vain I then try to access my masturbation fantasies but they don’t come to mind.

I feel a lot of these problems have stemmed from me making false links in my head about what I thought sex was and how it was supposed to work when I was younger.

I can rationalize now but this deeper stuff is coming back to bite me on the ass! I am now trying to replace all this negative programming with truth about the actual reality of the situation. I found that the majority of the techniques available for curing delayed ejaculation need a supporting partner and I am single. But so far:

  • I am changing how I masturbate to how a woman would do it;
  • Not over-masturbating by just trying to ejaculate as quickly as possible;
  • Working on getting out of my head and into my body; and
  • Realizing that I need to be actually turned on to ejaculate and simply being erect is not the real sign of being properly aroused.

 

delayed ejaculaiton, premature ejaculation

Premature Ejaculation

Premature ejaculation

PE is one of those strange things: some men have it, and it doesn’t  worry them or damage their sex lives. But other men have it and it becomes a massive issue for them, creating a devastating impact on their relationships.

Firstly, not lasting long enough during sex really needn’t be an issue for a couple. Women seldom define good lovers by how long they can last in bed before they ejaculate! After all, being a good lover has a lot to do with being emotionally available, relaxed, self confident and attentive.

Additionally, ejaculating quickly can also teach men to get better at other sexual activities such as kissing or oral sex, which can last a long time – indeed, as long as you want. these are activities which allow you to get away from the sex-means-thrusting equation.

So really, premature ejaculation doesn’t have to be an issue from a woman’s point of view. There are plenty of other fun things to do in bed and having sex with a guy who is generous with all sorts of other activities will suit most women better than prolonged thrusting. So, if you are a guy who wants to last a lot longer, remember that the women in your life may be much much less bothered by it than you are yourself!

Premature ejaculation and relationships

Additionally, reaching the point of ejaculation very quickly doesn’t have to be an issue as there are good treatments which men can use to alleviate the problem. 

It is important to women that men make some efforts to improve themselves and what they offer to their partners. Learning how to last longer during sex to improve your sexual stamina is a way of taking responsibility for your life and shows your partner that she matters to you. It’s also a great way of getting greater sexual pride and self-confidence – something that helps you feel you are in charge of your life! Most women don’t think having a tendency to ejaculate quickly is a big deal, but they do want a man to take responsibility for himself and his sexual performance.

Premature ejaculation – why don’t men last longer in bed?

However, PE does have some complicated aspects. Most men who ejaculate quickly actually suffer from low self esteem or depression or anxiety first, and then hang their sense of “I am not good enough” onto their sexual abilities – part of which is the fact that they come very quickly during sex. (See also life positions in this psychology  website.)

The fact that men then start to feel ashamed and inadequate after sex fuels the cycle and may create a great amount of misery and negative feelings for a man. But they are only doing what comes naturally, i.e. not lasting very long during sex, and it can be dealt with. It’s important that men recognize that how long you last during sex is only one part of the whole “premature” issue, and that they really need to look at their self-esteem and the way they relate to themselves as well – preferably before looking at how to last longer during sex.

If you don’t think you’ll ever be a capable lover, or have a worthwhile long term relationship, think of this: from a woman’s point of view a lack of self-esteem in a man can be disheartening, a real turn-off, infuriating, or simply very sad. Self-confidence balanced by honesty and a degree of modesty is very attractive in men, and probably much more of a turn-on for a woman than how long you last after entering her.

And, for a woman, seeing the man she loves feeling bad after sex can be very damaging to her self-confidence – not to mention the fact that she’ll feel sad about this. If a woman also struggles with her sexuality and sense of attractiveness, both partners may impact on each other negatively and reinforce each other’s worst assumptions about themselves.

Finally, a man worrying about his ejaculation may be missing the fact that it’s not really that much of a problem for his partner: he may not be listening to her reassurance, nor really present and enjoying sex with her. An internal dialogue of thoughts and feelings about premature ejaculation may take a man away from feeling loving and close to his partner and instead lock him into a prison of self-inflicted misery.

This is deeply disappointing process to a woman. After a while, some women will get fed up with their lover’s lack of confidence, at which point their men need to do something about their beliefs around how long they last in bed and the length of time for which sex lasts before dealing with premature ejaculation and finally their self-confidence in general.

In short, improving your self-confidence, perhaps through therapy, so that you like, love and respect yourself and are more open and emotionally available to your partner, may help more than worrying about sex and the speed of your orgasm. But it also helps to get more self-control! (Which doesn’t mean that women do see it as a big deal when a man can’t last long enough – but sex is better for all concerned.)

Even so, there will always be a small minority of women who use the fact that a man reaches orgasm quickly during intercourse to put him down or reject him in some way. These women may make the man responsible for their sexual satisfaction (which they feel can only be achieved through prolonged genital intercourse).Such women avoid looking at their own issues, sexual and otherwise, by putting the blame for unsatisfactory sex onto their partner. 

Lasting longer in bed for men does not mean women are not responsible for their own lives, their sexual satisfaction, and their own sexual abilities: so if there are fixed roles in your relationship in which you, the man, experience yourself constantly as the “bad one” and as “not good enough”, then perhaps you need to consider if this is really a couple issue. Conventional sex roles have lasted long enough, and maybe it’s time they changed.

Last but not least, have some hope, whether you are a man with premature ejaculation or a woman in love with such a man. Ejaculating too soon is something you can deal with – but it may involve taking a long, hard look at yourself and your relationship. 

better sex after 50

Sexual Problems In Men

Erectile Dysfunction

Even when erectile dysfunction is based on a physical condition, it is always made worse by a downward spiral of anxiety and ever more likely failure to perform. When this cycle of anxiety and failure to perform is broken the majority of men experience a dramatic reduction in erectile difficulty.

Back in 1988, Arnold Melman, Leonore Tiefer, and Ronald Pedersen, published a paper in Urology which evaluated the origin of erectile dysfunction in 406 men. These men were seen in the authors’ Centre For Male Sexual Dysfunction between March 1981 and July 1983.

They were either referred by a doctor or self referred, and initially seen by a urologist for a physical examination and a medical consultation. Those men who said that they could maintain a rigid erection for more than 5 minutes in certain situations were offered psychosexual therapy, as were those with delayed ejaculation.

All other men were scheduled for two nights of evaluation in a private room at the center. They could undergo not only confidential interviews by a psychologist to focus on any possible psychological factors. They also had a physical investigation of erectile capacity during the viewing of a sexually stimulating film and during sleep.

The psychological investigation focused on various factors. These included the men’s psychopathology, incorrect beliefs about sex or sexual activity, emotional states such as depression, anxiety, shame, and anger which might be interfering with sexual performance. There was also relationship analysis for factors like  poor communication, hostility, fear of rejection, and the lack of attraction to his partner.

(The investigators also conducted a separate interview with the man’s primary sexual partner. That way, they could corroborate the facts described by the man, and evaluate further treatment methodologies and options.)

During the investigation into erectile dysfunction, if a man experienced an erection either as he watched a sexually stimulating film or during a night’s sleep, a technician would estimate the quality of his erection, record the degree of erection on a Polaroid photograph if possible, and take a record of the man’s own estimate of the quality of his erection.

In summary, a man’s erectile function was regarded as being normal when his erection was 80% or more of his normal erection capacity, and the erection was sustained for more than 5 minutes.

Another investigative technique used was the measurement of penile blood pressure and blood flow using a blood pressure cuff and ultrasonic flow detectors. By getting the patient to execute 25 pelvic tilts, it was possible to estimate the amount of redistribution of blood or “steal” syndrome. This might have been releavnt to delayed ejaculation.

Diagnoses and treatment for erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation

After all the data had been collected, the urologist and psychologist reviewed the data together. They then established a treatment option to be presented to man and his sexual partner. They established five categories of sexual dysfunction:

1 Purely organic: in order to be classified as purely organic, a man’s erection problems had to incorporate the absence of any erections sufficient for penetration, the man and his partner to be in agreement about the absence of normal erections, and there needed to be an absence of any significant psychological or emotional factor.

In addition, perhaps not surprisingly, there also needed to be the presence of some clearly identifiable disease, treatment, or drug which was known to cause erection problems.

2 Primarily organic: in the absence of normal erections, together with the presence of a condition known to be responsible for the loss of erection, a man’s problems could be diagnosed as primarily organic.

3 Primarily psychogenic: a man’s problems would fall into this category when he was experiencing an absence of normal erections, and psychological factors seemed to be responsible for the dysfunction

4 Purely psychogenic: a man’s erection problems would fall into this category when he developed an erection adequate for penetration that lasted for 5 minutes or more, and when there were relevant psychological or emotional factors present, or when his erections returned after he had been interviewed and treated at the sexual dysfunction centre.

5 There was a fifth category in which the origin of erection problems was categorized as unknown: these were men who did not have maximum capacity erections and in whom there was no obvious explanation, either physical or psychological, to explain the absence of normal erections.

A small majority of men (56%) seen at the centre were in their sixth or seventh decade of life: 76.4% of men were married. In total, out of 406 men, 117 (almost 29%), were diagnosed as having organic erectile dysfunction. 161 (39.6%) were diagnosed as having psychogenic erectile dysfunction. 62 or just over 15% were diagnosed as having diminished erectile capacity due to an organic problem that had been made worse by psychological or emotional factors. 40 men (9.9%) had primarily psychological or psychogenic erectile dysfunction with some organic contribution. Finally, 26 men (which equates to 6.4%) had erectile dysfunction of unknown origin.

74% of men with insulin-dependent diabetes had an organic or primarily organic diagnosis, and the other 26% of diabetic men were thought to have erection problems which originated in predominantly psychological causes, even though their diabetes was quite severe.

Analysis of the men who had erection problems that were regarded as being psychological or emotional in origin revealed that only 25% of these men had maximum capacity erections under any circumstances. And 22% did not have maximum erectile capacity in any situation but managed to resume having intercourse after they had been seen at the centre.

Vascular impairment

Vascular impairment was assessed by analysis of the blood flow measurement through the penis. Also take into account was the man’s medical history, and his ability to obtain an erection during the night and/or with visual stimulation.

There was a significant difference between men whose erection problems were regarded as organic in origin and those whose erection problems were regarded as psychological in origin. The results of this investigation will be discussed in a moment.

Hormones

Hormonal analysis was conducted on 383 of the men. Men with low testosterone had significantly reduced duration of erections at maximum capacity: 3.9 minutes versus 9.2 minutes. Also, the men who had the highest estradiol levels were more likely to be classified as having organic or primarily organic erection problems.

Treatment of erection problems

The majority of men who went through this study were advised to undergo some form of sex therapy including marriage counseling when necessary.

Although about a quarter of men in the study did not wish to pursue any further treatment, some men benefited from the discovery of firm erections during the investigation. Others had renewed sexual interest sparked by the evaluation process, so that erections began to develop at home again.

What does it all mean?

Even back in 1988, frank discussions of male sexual dysfunction in the media had encouraged men and partners to seek help. They were ready to come into sexual clinics and doctors’ offices. 

When lack of erection could be correlated with the use of medication the man’s drugs were changed or the patient motivated to undergow lifestayle changes. For example, smoking was a major cause of erection problems, and men would be encouraged to give up smoking.

The investigators reported that, as they had anticipated, the consequences of type I and type II diabetes were the predominant causes of organic erectile failure in the men in this population.

Other men with impaired glucose tolerance also had organic erectile dysfunction. This led investigators to believe an organic diagnosis could only be made in some situations: i.e. when there was a complete absence of rigid erections, a corroborative history, and the presence of relevant organic factors. They stated that low blood flow in the penis, diabetes, medication, prior pelvic surgery, and other factors, alone or in combination, would not necessarily mean a man had a physical rather than psychological cause for his erection problems.

They also emphasised that it was important to establish true causality. One of the reasons for this was that some organic factors are reversible: for example, abnormally low levels of hormone, smoking, use of drugs, some vascular lesions of the penis, and some problems such as Peyronie’s disease.

Other men, however, had irreversible organic erectile problems, and the team suggested their expectations of treatment should be managed, and treatment adapted accordingly. The study was conducted in the early days of papaverine injections, which had begun to allow return to satisfactory intercourse for men. Viagra had not yet appeared on the market.

The authors noted that psychogenic factors were present in 66% of the cases of erectile dysfunction they had seen. They concluded, in the light of the knowledge available to them at the time, that such patients could best be served by counseling and re-education about the realities of sexual function.

As time has gone by, of course, the situation has changed and we now know that counseling and Viagra (or one of its counterpart medications) probably represents the best possible option for men in this situation, perhaps with the addition of testosterone supplementation where there are indications for such treatment. 

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Men’s Sexual Pleasure

You want to give your man sexual pleasure, for sure. Yet somehow you can’t seem to manage it…. he doesn’t ejaculate, and even though he tells you sex was pleasant, you can see his frustration and even his emotional pain. No doubt he’s very happy to pleasure you, but you want to return the favour. What can you do when he can’t ejaculate? (This is called delayed ejaculation; you can read a book about delayed ejaculation here.)

Let’s start by looking at the causes of delayed ejaculation.

One thing that seems to maintain delayed ejaculation is high-frequency idiosyncratic masturbatory behavior. This, put more simply, is hard and fast masturbation. Read more about that here and here. Something as simple as encouraging the man to masturbate with his other hand – which will most likely fail to produce an orgasm – can be helpful in letting him see how his delayed ejaculation and idiosyncratic masturbation have become an ingrained pattern of behavior.

Video – delayed ejaculation – what you need to know

Another cause of delayed ejaculation is the discrepancy between a man’s inner world of fantasy and the actual nature of his sexual relationship with his partner. To overcome this, a couple need to integrate his masturbation fantasies into their sexual relationship, which will not only reduce feelings of guilt but also make it easier to overcome delayed ejaculation.

Dealing With Delayed Ejaculation & Achieving Pleasure

For emotional issues that interfere with delayed ejaculation, one basic strategy is to identify inhibitions and anxieties so that your man and you can come up with new sexual scenarios and develop appropriate techniques to help him reach orgasm.

The aim is always to increase erotic stimulation, identify the man’s orgasm triggers, and increase intimacy. 

Greater intimacy between you and your man is likely to reduce performance pressure on him. Mutual pleasuring will increase verbal and physical intimacy, and this will help to overcome inhibition and sexual isolation.

Video – achieving greater intimacy

Is he ready, really ready, for shared intimacy?

An “automatic” erection does not necessarily mean your man is ready to have sex. His sexual arousal may be too low. So what you can do here is relax, take away expectations of orgasm and d to encourage him to see his ejaculation as a natural culmination of a gradual process of sexual play leading to ever increasing sexual arousal.

As you do this, your man learns to be more direct in his requests for stimulation and more straightforward in allowing himself to enjoy erotic feelings. By being more “selfish,” he will experience more subjective sexual arousal and is more likely to enjoy an orgasm during sex.

Orgasm triggers

A great help in dealing with delayed ejaculation can be multiple forms of stimulation and knowing what will trigger his orgasm. New and different kinds of play might include fantasy, testicle stimulation or playing with his partner’s breast or anal area during sexual intercourse.

Orgasm triggers are very variable from person to person, but you can find out many of them by looking at what he fantasizes about. (He fantasizes to get himself off, so if you can turn fantasy into reality, that will help him overcome DE.)

Intravaginal ejaculation must be approached gradually, with a couple only starting intercourse when they are both highly aroused.

To recap.

Two factors tend to promote and maintain delayed ejaculation: vigorous and fast masturbation patterns and a big gap between a man’s inner world of erotic imagery and the actual reality of his sexual life with his woman. To put that another way: his fantasy turns him on more than his actual sex life with you.

So if you can bring his masturbatory fantasies into the open, this will help to relieve any guilt he feels, aid honest communication between you, and if you can act them out, help him reach orgasm. So, if you can incorporate these fantasies into your sex life, this is going to  help him get aroused and bring him to orgasm faster. 

Simple techniques can help a man in this situation. Even something as simple as switching hands during masturbation, for example, will increase his awareness of the way in which he masturbates and how difficult he may be making it for himself to attain orgasm and ejaculation. If his other hand can’t bring him to climax, no wonder his partner couldn’t do it either!

Therapy can be helpful

If your man is willing to see a therapist, there are many therapies which help overcome delayed ejaculation. One starting point is to examine the inhibitions and fears which may lie behind the problem and to develop sexual situations and techniques to overcome them.

Cognitive-behavioral strategies involve a three-part combination: (1) forming a connected and close intimate sexual team between man and his partner;

(2) enjoying comfort with sexual pleasuring; and

(3) increasing the level of erotic stimulation.

1 If a man and his partner form an intimate team, the degree of performance pressure which the man feels will be a lot lower. Helping each other to enjoy pleasure is important in generating the increased level of intimacy that can overcome inhibition and a sense of separateness. This is important in overcoming DE.

2. An erection does not mean a man is ready for intercourse. A man may need to be more aroused even if he is hard. A man needs to understand that he can enjoy sexual pleasure and gradually increasing arousal, and ejaculation is the expected end point of arousal.

The more direct the man can be about requesting stimulation, and the more he can enjoy erotic feelings, the more confident he will be of his ability to be sexual and the more likely he is to enjoy high levels of arousal that ill take him to orgasm. The need to be selfish, to seek out his own pleasure, is a key factor in recovering his orgasmic capacity and overcoming DE.

3. There are many ways of getting greater stimulation and greater arousal: enjoying sexual fantasies during partner sex, enjoying stimulation of the testes, perineum, anus and nipples are just some of these. Each man can discover his individual orgasm triggers.

Finally, a man who is hoping to find some effective treatment for overcoming delayed ejaculation should not initiate sexual intercourse until he’s very aroused. Fantasies can be an effective way of heightening arousal.

But remember that change has consequences

It’s important for each of you to ask yourself what’s at risk if the man changes the way he responds during sex. There will certainly be some consequences if the symptoms of delayed ejaculation disappear, though what they might be will be different from couple to couple.

For example, the woman might wonder if the man will search out new sexual experiences with other women; the woman might wonder if he will find her as desirable as he does now; and so on.

 These points, and others like them, can be very enlightening for a couple to discuss as they work through these issues.

When dealing with delayed ejaculation, a couple need to look at their erotic life together. One of the biggest questions is what happens to the foundations of the relationship when you start to work on your sexual issues.

If you have a boring sexual life, and an inhibited attitude to sexual experimentation, bringing some of heir hidden and dark sexual shadows into the light may make your sex lives more vibrant, flowing and exciting.

Men with DE often show exaggerated concern for their partner as a way of hiding the things they fear. Changing the focus of attention from the couple’s inhibitions with each other onto each partner’s own conflicts and fears can be very illuminating!

In other words, while it’s exciting to discover new erotic worlds, it can also be scary and lead to defensiveness, fear and guilt. A man working to get over delayed ejaculation should be aware of which of his own sexual fears (if any) have been sheltered by his apparent inability to ejaculate.

A very effective way of getting to the bottom of a person’s unmet or unexpressed wishes or desires is to have them imagine being completely self-centered in sex, with no need to think of the partner. What would be an ideal sexual scenario if there were no restrictions?

understanding erection problems in men

Causes of ED

This is a checklist to help identify the cause of any erection problems you may be experiencing

If you’re having trouble getting an erection, this checklist may be helpful in sorting out the cause of the problems and resolving your thoughts and feelings.

Question 1: What bothers you about your sexual functioning?

1 Low sexual desire in general
2 Low sexual desire for my partner
3 Not feeling aroused (turned on)
4 Not getting an erection sufficient for intercourse
5 Not keeping an erection (erectile dysfunction)
6 Not having an orgasm, even though I feel aroused
7 Ejaculating too quickly (coming too fast)
8 Having an orgasm that lacks intensity
9 Having an orgasm but not being able to ejaculate (delayed ejaculation)
10 Pain during sex

Interpretation of Question 1

Answering the question should get to the heart of your problem. Some men are able to get an erect penis but cannot ejaculate or have an orgasm. Some men can erect and ejaculate but experience a decline in the intensity of the orgasm. Others are not  able to ejaculate and have orgasm, a condition which is called delayed ejaculation. 

Some men can attain an erection but not sustain it in order to penetrate and complete the sex act. Others can become erect and penetrate but ejaculate too quickly to satisfy themselves or their partner. (Read about erection problems here.) Some men will experience pain in the genitals with sexual activity. Having defined your problem, let’s determine the cause.

Question 2: When is the last time you had what you would consider a complete, normal erection followed by ejaculation?

Interpretation of Question 2

It is important to estimate the time of onset of your difficulty. Erectile problems (ED) of short duration is very often psychologically related to a specific event or has a physical cause such as beginning a new medication or having gone through a surgical procedure. ED that is of a longer duration and has come on slowly but progressively usually has a physical cause such as poor blood flow. Read about causes of erectile dysfunction here.

Question 3: Are you able to achieve an erection with masturbation? If so, what percent of a full erection do you get?

Interpretation of Question 3

Being able to achieve a fully hard penis with self-pleasuring or that provided by your partner indicates normal blood and nerve supply to your penis. Being able to become erect with masturbation but not for intercourse usually indicates a psychological problem.

Question 4: When you awaken during the night or in the morning, what percent of a full erection have you seen in the last few months?

Interpretation of Question 4

Erections that occur during the night are indicative of normal nerve and blood flow to the penis. Every man will have three to five erections at night, each lasting 20 to 25 minutes. These are not generally appreciated by the man (although they may be by his partner) because they only occur at a certain depth of sleep. The erection that is noted upon awakening, contrary to popular opinion, is not due to a full bladder. It is a reflection of one of the normal erections occurring during rapid-eye movement sleep. The presence of these erections is a very favorable sign and often points to a psychological cause for any erection difficulties during partnered sex.

Question 5: If you read erotic material or see an erotic movie, what percent of a full erection do you usually get?

Interpretation of Question 5

An erection brought about by an erotic thought or visual stimulus is initiated in the brain. This is a very favorable sign and again is indicative of normal function of the nerve and blood supply to the penis, suggesting a psychological cause.

Question 6: Are you able to get a good firm erection at some times and not at others?

Interpretation of Question 6

If you get a good-quality erection at any time that is sufficient to complete the act of intercourse, yet at other times you are impotent, it is quite likely that your difficulty is psychological.

Question 7: Does erectile difficulty occur only with a certain partner?

Interpretation of Question 7

If you are failing to become erect only with a certain partner but can perform successfully with someone else, there is not likely to be any physical problem causing impotence. (This is not a suggestion that you try multiple partners, particularly if you are married!) It does, however, suggest that sex therapy or marriage counseling should be considered.

RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS

Question 8: Does your partner know that you are seeking help and have come for an evaluation?

Interpretation of Question 8

If a man with ED has discussed the problem with his partner, it indicates good communication. Treatment is more likely to be successful if his partner is aware of what is happening.

Question 9: Is your partner supportive of your seeking help?

Interpretation of Question 9

Men who have supportive partners are more likely to experience a quick recovery. Men whose partners are not supportive are generally angry and resentful, which does not help the healing process.

Question 10: Do you find your partner sexually attractive?

Interpretation of Question 10

Men who are no longer “turned on” by their partner are more likely to experience erection problems. Men who do not accept the normal changes in a partner’s body that occur with aging may have unrealistic expectations and desires. Read about ED from a woman’s point of view.

Question 11: Has your sexual problem caused any of the following difficulties in your relationship?

  • 1. “Chilly” atmosphere in the house
  • 2. Less overall communication
  • 3. Avoidance of specific topics like sex
  • 4. More arguing
  • 5. Withdrawal from family members or friends
  • 6. Less trust in my partner
  • 7. Less trust in me by my partner
  • 8. Doing fewer activities together

Interpretation of Question 11

Like a stone cast in the water, a sexual problem may have a ripple effect upon a couple’s entire relationship. Arguing, avoidance, distrust, frustration, and discouragement or depression are more likely to occur in either or both individuals.

Question 12: Do you or does your partner usually initiate sexual activity?

Interpretation of Question 12

If one partner always initiate sexual activity, it may be indicative of widely differing levels of interest in sex or reflect negative feelings about the relationship. In an ideal world, each partner may initiate sex at different times depending upon urge, interest level, and a desire to satisfy each other.

Question 13: Do you feel it is important that your female partner reaches orgasm during every episode of intercourse? Do you feel that all sexual encounters must include intercourse?

Interpretation of Question 13

If you feel that you must guarantee your female partner has an orgasm during every sexual encounter or that you must achieve sexual penetration and vigorous thrusting, you may be placing unrealistic demands on yourself, which may lead to sexual failure.

PAST MEDICAL HISTORY QUESTIONS

Question 14: Do you have or have you had in the past any of the following?

1. High blood pressure
2. Heart disease
3. Heart attack
4. Diabetes
5. Thyroid gland disease
6. Testicular disease
7. Multiple sclerosis
8. Parkinson’s disease
9. Other neurological disease
10. Stroke
11. Kidney disease
12. Cancer

Interpretation of Question 14

Any of these illnesses may indicate a general medical problem that can cause difficulties with sexual functioning. It is important that your physician, psychologist, or counselor be fully aware of such problems. All of these may indicate an underlying physical cause of ED.

Question 15: Have you had any of the following surgical procedures?

1. Removal of the prostate
2. Removal of the bladder
3. Rectal or colon surgery
4. Cardiac bypass
5. Disk surgery
6. Vascular surgery of the legs or major blood vessels

Interpretation of Question 15

Any of these operations may indicate a physical cause for your impotence because of an impairment of blood flow or nerve function.

Question 16: What medications do you take?

Interpretation of Question 16

Commonly prescribed medicines such as antidepressants, blood pressure pills, sedatives, hormones, drugs for peptic ulcer, and over-the-counter cold medications can contribute to erectile failure. 

Question 17: Did your sexual problem begin soon after taking a new drug?

Interpretation of Question 17

If you can document in your mind that your difficulty began soon after starting a new medication, this may be a very important point. It suggests that this drug may be causing or contributing to your problem.

Question 18: Have you ever had an erection that lasted several hours?

Interpretation of Question 18

A past history of an excessively prolonged erection (usually more
than four to six hours) may prevent future erections. This is due to damage caused to the erectile tissue, which is generally not reversible.

Question 19: Do you smoke, abuse alcohol, use recreational drugs, or have high cholesterol? Do you believe that you are not in good physical condition?

Interpretation of Question 19

Any of these factors, smoking, elevated cholesterol, abusing alcohol, or failing to exercise, may contribute to difficulties with sexual functioning.

Question 20: Do your legs ache when you walk more than a few blocks?

Interpretation of Question 20

Poor blood supply to the pelvis and the legs, which is usually caused by atherosclerosis, may indicate poor blood flow to the penis, which may cause impotence.

Question 21: If you have heart disease or have had a heart attack, are you fearful of dying during intercourse or is your partner fearful of having sex with you for this reason?

Interpretation of Question 21

Anxiety following a heart attack may keep you from resuming a normal sexual life. If your partner has major concerns, she may be unwilling to participate in sex for fear of precipitating a heart attack or stroke. Many men who have suffered from such an illness and whose partner refrains from sex out of concern for them often misinterpret her restraint as a lack of interest.

These questions and your answers are intended only as a framework to help you understand your problem and to aid a professional sex counselor or a physician in managing your case.

Many men who answer these questions will figure out for themselves whether the cause of their erectile dysfunction is likely to be psychological or physical, or both. Most are relieved once they have taken a step toward understanding their own diagnosis. Once you pinpoint your difficulty, you will have a better understanding of diagnostic tests or treatment that your doctor may recommend.

better sex after 50, therapy to improve your sex life

Myths About Sex After 50 (Part 3)

Here, we’re going to examine some more myths about sex after 50

Sex is shameful

Unfortunately many of us were brought up with the idea that sex is somehow shameful, or if not shameful, at least something to keep quiet about, something that needs to be hidden from the world.

Regrettable as this is, it’s up to us to change out thinking if we believe it. Consider genital play or masturbation, for example. What were you told about this very natural form of self pleasure as a young adult? Probably something like this: it could stunt your growth, make you mad or go blind, would spoil your sex life as an adult, or even perhaps that it would cause you in some mysterious way to go to hell!

The problem is that as children we tend to believe what we’re told, even when that information is misguided, if not malicious. No matter how much as an adult you might tell yourself that masturbation is a very healthy and pleasurable activity, it would be very surprising if you didn’t have some inhibitions about it. There is no clearer example of this than the fact that partners who are enjoying a sexual relationship very often find it excruciatingly embarrassing to talk about masturbation with their partner, let alone to do it with them.

Far from giving up masturbation when you get into a committed sexual relationship as an adult, my suggestion is to enjoy it even more often and for longer!

Self pleasuring is a fantastic alternative to sexual intercourse when you don’t want to go down that road. Sharing masturbation can show you how to please your partner when you yourself don’t want the ins and outs of penetration.

More fundamentally, it allows you to discuss those aspects of your relationship you normally keep hidden from your partner. Yes, of course you might have to admit that you do indeed masturbate in private from time to time: but there’s no shame in that, and, particularly for men, masturbation can be a valuable way of relieving sexual tension without making the whole performance into a big deal.

So it’s a serious suggestion, therefore, to incorporate lots of masturbation into your sex life. You’ll find it’s very helpful indeed if one of you has a high sex drive than the other. When you’re masturbating your partner, you can focus entirely on their pleasure without any sense of performance anxiety yourself. When they are masturbating you, you can just lie back and enjoy it to the full without any worries about pleasing them.

More importantly, masturbating with each other removes the worry about who’s going to come first, or taking it in turns, or am I going to last long enough? It doesn’t matter how long it takes to reach orgasm, and there is no need to try and synchronise your orgasms.

But how do you overcome the embarrassment that stopped you masturbating together in the first place? I think the answer to this is very simple indeed — just do it! By now you will have read lots of ideas for opening up communication between you and your partner, and you may already be able to bring this up comfortably. For example: “I thought it might be fun if we just snuggled together for a while and then perhaps we could bring each other off with our hands — or maybe even our mouths!” Of course — as you know — every couple has its own code to these matters, and no doubt you can find a way of saying it that you feel comfortable with.

We’ll come back to the subject of mutual masturbation and shared masturbation in the exercises for a great sex life.

Overcoming sexual trauma

Don’t believe for a moment that if you were traumatized by abuse of one kind or another that you’re stuck forever with the consequences. Yes, it is certainly true that your relationships will be impacted by the history of abuse that you experienced.

And yet at the same time, in a long-term relationship with a partner who you trust at a very deep level you can get over sexual shame. 

Having said that, you may need professional help to get to point where you’re able to open up. In a way, healing from sexual trauma is a subject beyond the scope of this website and so we would like to recommend a starting point for you which you can find here. Not only is it a very perceptive article on the subject of sexual and other forms of abuse, but there are number of links to other resources which may be helpful for you in exploring how you can overcome a traumatic past.

Lack of romance

It’s all too easy in a monogamous relationship to take your partner for granted. The days when the intensity of your love or passion motivated you to be romantic, affectionate, and enjoy exciting sex may have passed. Instead, it now requires a conscious effort on your part to be romantic.

The problem is that many other things get in the way of thinking about romance. Life can be stressful; there’s no doubt about that: the demands of family, work, home, and especially these days, financial matters, all conspire to take our minds off romance and diminish the intimacy we feel with our partners.

Often, after romance has dwindled away, we feel foolish at the prospect of trying to behave romantically. And we may begin to justify our inactivity: sex, you may say, should be spontaneous! Or, it’s so childish to play at romance: that’s what teenagers do. And so on. And yet, the ironic thing is that romance is is appreciated by everyone – both those giving it, and those receiving it.

Romance is a way of creating a relaxed and inviting situation in which sex can happen — maybe even spontaneous sex! Playing at romance can help you to overcome the seriousness with which we sometimes treat sex in a long-term relationship. And deciding as a partnership to take time for sex, or deciding individually to treat your partner to a romantic experience is essential to keep your sex life passionate and exciting.

Even if trying to be romantic makes you feel self-conscious and silly, at least you have the consolation of knowing that taking the first step is the hardest part. Once you start, once you’ve made the initial effort, matters tend to take on a momentum of their own. You can reconnect with your romantic impulses in many different ways: some suggestions about rekindling romance are included in the exercises which you can find in another section of the site.

Anger and resentment are inevitable

What do you do if you feel angry or resentful towards your long-term partner? Do you suppress these emotions, and wait until you’re in a good enough mood that lets you tolerate sex with them? Do you experience the frustration of not speaking out about the issues that are on your mind? Do you end up feeling frustrated and angry that your partner seems to take you for granted, misses your wishes, needs and desires, and doesn’t pick up on the subtleties and nuances of how you feel?

Well, I have some surprising news for you! This is probably your fault. If you’re not communicating how you feel it’s unreasonable for you to expect your partner to know. Very often anger is just a build-up of frustration about unexpressed thoughts and feelings.

Of course, there are many things that seem too trivial to express in a long-term relationship; but when they’re not expressed they become a source of resentment which undermines the relationship. 

Turning yourself off

We’ve already covered the question of turning yourself off and turning yourself on. At this point all I wish to reiterate is the fact that you do have much more control over the way you feel and your emotional responses than you probably believe right now.

How are you to access that control, you may ask? By considering which form of therapy and or counselling you may wish to pursue. After all, this is not about living a limited life. And to live a full life, you need to make sure that your shadow does not get in the way of achieving the fullest expression of yourself.

In practical terms what this means is that you need to take a decision to change things: and to commit to personal change,  regardless of what form of therapy you choose..

The mid life crisis won’t affect you

I have absolutely no doubt at all that there is a time in almost every man’s life when he goes through significant psychological and physical changes. Happily, this can be dealt with fairly easily. You can find ideas on how to beat the midlife crisis here.

In conclusion

We could go on, but I think you’ve probably now got the idea. No matter what you think and feel about the long term sexual relationship you have with your partner, the truth is that you have the power in your hands to change it for the better.

That might mean getting professional help, or it might just mean following some of the suggestions given here to help you establish a more passionate sex life. It certainly means – at some level – taking a decision to stay faithful to your partner and change the quality of your sex with each other so that you get more arousal, passion and reward (fun and orgasm). 

better sex after 50, myths about sex after 50

Myths About Sex After 50 (Part 2)

Some more myths about sex after 50

Selfish sex is bad!

No, it isn’t, because it’s only by asking your partner for what you want that you are a likely to get it – and be satisfied with the results!

Those people who are too obsessed with pleasing their partners tend to have bad relationships because they don’t communicate. They may not be in touch with their own feelings, don’t know how to get sexual pleasure, and are resentful of the fact that their sex life is “all give and no take”.

Sex which is constantly aimed at the pleasure of your partner is just frustrating sex; it’s not likely to lead to much fulfilment for you. Reframe the idea of “selfish sex” as simply seeking out the best way to find joy in a sexual relationship. This may make it easier for you to overcome your embarrassment and ask your partner for whatever it is that you want.

In the end this is a much healthier route to sexual satisfaction. Compared, that is, to waiting in frustration for your partner to miraculously work out what it is you want and give it to you! Further more, when your relationship is truly monogamous, you need to express your sexual needs before they become too strong and remain unfulfilled – that way lies temptation….

When both partners seek to please themselves during sex rather than expecting their partners to do so, you finally begin to have a relationship where sexual equality is possible. You satisfy each other. You start by asking for what you want and your partner agrees to give it to you, in the expectation that you will do exactly the same for them.

This is true sexual equality, and gives both partners the chance of sexual satisfaction.

Sexual problems cannot be solved

This is a truly pernicious myth about sex after 50. By sexual problems, here I mean things like delayed ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and low sex drive. Each and every one of these problems has a solution. Delayed ejaculation can be overcome by training the body and mind to become more aroused. Erectile dysfunction can be overcome by using drugs like Cialis and Viagra. And so on. There is a solution for every problem: sometimes that involves medicine, sometimes it involves therapy.

You must always put your partner first.

It’s a kind of charming, old-fashioned notion of the romantic man seducing the lady, taking her to bed and making her swoon with delight.

Whatever the truth of these stereotypes, one thing is certain: your partner is a sexual woman, with desires, lusts, fantasies and sexual needs. And what that means in practice is that if you’re hung up about the relationship between women and sex, or you don’t know much about female sexuality, then be prepared for a few shocks.

As you get to know a woman within a long term relationship, and your sexual relationship develops, you will find there is a sexual goddess close to the surface: a sexual goddess whose lustfulness may surprise you in its intensity. It should also means there is nothing that you can share in the sexual arena which is embarrassing or off-limits (provided it’s not harmful, coercive or distasteful to your partner).

To achieve full openness and an absence of sexual inhibitions with your partner is a wonderful experience. So ask yourself how you would feel in any of the following situations: watching her masturbate or masturbating her; having her watch you masturbate or having her masturbate you; enjoying mutual masturbation or watching her using sex toys to masturbate; using a vibrator to bring her to orgasm.

If you are inhibited by an image of your partner as a Madonna stereotype, saintly and sexless, then you really need to share some uninhibited sexual experiences which will blow these illusions away.

Masturbating together in an uninhibited way can be a very good start in this process for it removes performance pressure. That’s because it teaches you what your partner likes in the way of genital touch. You also learn that it doesn’t matter who comes first or second, and it helps you to shed your embarrassment about sexuality. There’s something about the act of shared masturbation which breaks down inhibitions rather quickly and helps couples learn about others’ sexual needs and desires. Sexual embarrassment is much more common than you might realise.

The same is true of discussing fantasies, with the proviso that if your partner shares them with you, you must respect what they say.

If you’re a woman you may have fallen victim of the pernicious myth that men want perfect bodies.

As you may have noticed, however, most men are with partners who do not have perfect bodies! This is because the supply of physical perfection is a little bit thin on the ground nowadays!

The truth is that men are far less critical of women’s bodies than are women themselves. The reality is that most women are extremely critical of their own bodies, and very conscious of what may be wrong: whether that is breast size, the amount of fat on their bodies, the tightness of their vaginas, slackness of their butts, the double chin… or whatever.

But to focus on what is wrong with our bodies, or what we believe to be wrong with our bodies, just reinforces those issues in our minds (and indeed in the minds of our partners). If you are told something is bad for long enough you come to believe it. If you focus on the good things instead, then those become predominant in your consciousness. Monogamy is not about avoiding reality – it is about embracing it. Sex in a monogamous relationship is not about desiring perfection: it’s about appreciating the beauty of what you have.

That statement has a profound truth in it. And that is that we’re all responsible for how we look, and we’re all responsible for how sexually fit and healthy we are.

Loving and accepting our bodies is certainly necessary before our partners can be expected to love and accept them. Remember the old expression “beauty comes from within”? Well, you are what you believe: if you believe you are attractive, you are more attractive. 

If you look at this list of what men want in a lover, you’ll see that nowhere is the issue of body size or shape mentioned.

better sex after 50, living the passionate life, sex after fifty

Myths About Sex After 50 (Which Men & Women Believe)

Here, we look at some common myths about sex after 50 that women hold. MYTHS!

You can’t have good long-term sex in a relationship.

Start by refocusing your energy, in particular your sexual energy, from anything outside your existing relationship, and back into your relationship. Then, there is every reason to think you can have wonderful sex with your committed partner for years to come.

Video – sex in a long term relationship

If you believe that you’re currently in a relationship with the wrong person, that might be different issue. Even there I’d ask if you’ve devoted energy to trying to put things right and establish a better relationship. (As opposed to just making the assumption that your relationship is doomed. Ultimately, of course, only you know the answer to that question.)

There’s a rather similar related issue here: the belief that monogamy is unnatural. That’s often put forward as a justification for unfaithfulness. Here’s one point of view on this.

In strict socio-biological terms, monogamy is not natural…but what makes us different a a species is that we at least have the means to make a choice. We can decide whether we wish to sustain sexual monogamy with one other person for the rest of our lives (or at least for as long as the relationship lasts).

Bear in mind also, that what you call good sex depends how you define it.…. number of orgasms? Amount of pleasure – even if that comes from seeing your partner happy rather than having an orgasm yourself?

Just enjoying the chance to express your sexuality? How do you define good sex? Is that a definition your partner would agree with? Have you ever asked them what makes sex good for them?

Video  – what is good sex for men?

Video  – what is good sex for women?

We can’t control who we fall in love with.

This is a myth that has driven people’s choice of partner for a very long time. The reality is actually very different. We all make choices about who we fall in love with, whether we know it or not.

These choices are based on

  • who is geographically available
  • the kind of relationship we want
  • the kind of person we want to have a relationship with
  • the needs that we believe will be met in relationship with someone
  • the excitement we want to experience in relationship
  • the sort of person that we find physically attractive
  • the needs we have that we believe a person can meet
  • and the degree of self-actualisation that we think we will achieve in relationship with a particular person.

Relationships are not generated randomly; affairs of the heart are a myth, in the sense that we all actively choose our partner from the pool of people available to us.

What this means in practice is that if you choose to have an affair, you’re not just blindly falling in love. Rather, you’re fulfilling some need, perhaps one in the list above. A need that you see as giving you potentially more gratification than your existing relationship.

Attraction Always Leads to Sex

To believe this is to believe that our sexual arousal and sexual desire is an uncontrollable beast waiting to overcome us with its unimaginable power. It’s a myth!

Whether you feel like a teenager or not, lusting after every possible sexual outlet is immature. You have a choice about acting or not acting on your sexual desire. To be sexually aroused is a pleasurable thing – no doubt about it. But it really does NOT have to be taken any further. But over 50, such things can seem compelling. It may seem important to act on an urge which is, perhaps unusually for you at this age, strong.

But just because you have an erection, or you feel yourself getting wet, does not mean that you are in the grip of an uncontrollable process which will inevitably take you to bed with person who is the object of your lust.

Even if you’re dancing with somebody and you feel aroused, or you’re flirting with them and they respond to you, that does not mean you have to take it any further!

Instead, take those urges home to your primary relationship, and use the energy you’ve generated to increase the quality and frequency of sex with your partner.

Age inhibits sex, or the pleasure of sex

It may be that comparison with past performance or past ability or past potency leaves you feeling inadequate in midlife. Certainly the rampant erection of your youth may have softened, your erect penis may no longer point to the heavens, and it may indeed get soft during sex more easily than it used to do. But sex after 50 can be better than ever before. Read this to find out why.

Certainly the level of desire that you feel may have lessened and softened and mellowed. And the length of time between penetration and and orgasm may have increased. But does any of this matter if you are still just as capable of initiating sexual activity and just as capable as getting as much pleasure from it as you always did?

True, in midlife and beyond you may need physical stimulation to get an erection. You may need longer periods of thrusting after penetration to reach ejaculation. (You may even have delayed ejaculation.) You may not be able to get erect again as soon after a session of sex as you once could. (You may even have erectile dysfunction.)

But none of these changes need spoil sex or the pleasure you derive from it. If you have problems getting erect there is Viagra. If you have problems with you sexual drive there is testosterone replacement therapy.

So much of what we believe about midlife changes around male sexuality is clearly a myth. This is clearly demonstrated by the fact that women who go through the menopause fall into two broad groups: the first made up of women who lose interest in sex, and the second of women who find the menopause to be sexually liberating and a gateway to greater sexual activity.

The difference appears to be that the first group of women simply believe that women lose interest in sex after the menopause. The second group of women believe that freedom from menstruation, fear of pregnancy, and the need to use contraception, is a liberation which will improve their sex lives. And as you believe, so shall you experience.

Men want a perfect woman in bed with them

As you may have noticed, however, most men are with partners who do not have perfect bodies. The simple truth is that the supply of physical perfection is a little bit thin on the ground nowadays.

So what, you may say to yourself, men just make do with what they can get. Yet, in general, men are far less critical of women’s bodies than are women themselves.

 The reality is that most women are extremely critical of their own bodies, and very conscious of what may be wrong: whether that is breast size, the amount of fat on their bodies, the tightness of their vaginas, slackness of their butts, the double chin… or whatever. (Men tend to be more conscious of the size of their penis, but are subject to other self-doubts and self denigration.)

But to focus on what is wrong with our bodies, or what we believe to be wrong with our bodies, just reinforces those issues in our minds (and indeed in the minds of our partners).

 If you are told something is bad for long enough you come to believe it; if you focus on the good things instead, then those become predominant in your consciousness. Monogamy is not about avoiding reality: it is about embracing it. Sex in a monogamous relationship is not about desiring perfection: it’s about appreciating the beauty of what you have. (For help in changing the limiting beliefs you hold, professional support from a therapist trained in such arts as shadow work can be helpful.)

That may sound like a trite statement but actually it has a profound truth in it. That is simply this: we are all responsible for how we look and we are all responsible for how fit and healthy we are.

To complain about our appearance without making any effort to change it is rather sad, because loving and accepting our bodies is certainly necessary before our partners can be expected to love and accept them.

Remember the old expression “beauty comes from within”? Well, you are what you believe: if you believe you are attractive, you become more attractive.

Uncategorized

Sex After 50

We see lots of references to sex amongst those in the 20s and 30s age bracket whether it’s on TV, in the movies, in books, magazines and so on but it’s rare that we see a mention of sex between couples of older ages.

That is definitely not to say that the sex life of those over the age of 50 wanes in comparison to other demographics. Many couples and single people over the age of 50 live more fulfilling sex lives than their younger counterparts because they have less distractions and at times they are less stressed!

It’s all about attitude and how you approach it once you hit the milestone of 50. People over that age definitely experience more physical and physiological changes to their bodies but most of these are manageable through a visit to a physician and the like.

The addition of things like adult toys and sex lubrication will also serve to enhance the sex lives of the over 50s and more and more of this demographic are utilizing these types of things to reignite sparks in the bedroom.

Self pleasure sessions and masturbation are also fantastic for those single older players and can be a hugely enriching experience. The people at Carvaka have put together this useful infographic below all about sex after the age of 50. It separates the myths from the facts in terms of sex at this particular age; it details some concerns that people should look out for eg STIs; it also covers some interesting suggestions to create some excitement (should you need it!) in your sex life after the age of 50. Check it all out below!

sex after fifty

Sex After 50 Can Be Great!

Many people think that sex after 50 doesn’t exist, and that sex is the preserve of bright young things – teenagers and 20-year-olds, perhaps 30-year-olds at a stretch.

But the truth the matter is that people over 50 are just as interested in sex as anybody else – and sex in midlife can be wonderful.

One of the problems is that myths are spreading in society about what we can expect from sex in our later years – for example, there’s a common belief that people lose interest in sex after a certain age. The truth is that while sex may occur less frequently, our interest in sex doesn’t diminish: what does change, however, is the nature of sex and the quality of the factors that play into our sexual desire.

For example, it’s been demonstrated that people over 50 need a better quality relationship to get sexual satisfaction and pleasure than those in their 20s and 30s.

This is because we enjoy sexual connection and intimacy more as we get older – for example, it may become an affirmation of the relationship rather than just the release of sexual desire, perhaps.
It’s also a commonly held myth that men will become less functional sexually as they get older – perhaps suffering erectile dysfunction.

The truth is not so simple: men may experience low sexual desire because they have less testosterone, but what they actually need to get an erection is direct physical stimulation to the penis rather than just relying on their imagination or indeed their historical expected response – to get aroused – from simply being near a woman who wants to be sexually intimate.

And it’s certainly true that erections can be less firm as a man gets older, but that doesn’t make any difference to the pleasure of sex. The use of lubricant, either natural or artificial, will ensure that penetration and enjoyable intercourse is still possible.

On the female side of this equation, a lot of people believe that women become much less interested in sex after menopause – but the truth is diametrically opposite.

Freed from the burden of pregnancy, and the possibility of becoming pregnant, women can release their energies more freely during sexual intercourse and intimacy.

The main problems they face are about hormonal levels – vaginal dryness, in particular, can be a problem which causes discomfort during sex. Fortunately there are medications which are available such as estrogen supplementation in pellet form which can be placed directly in the vagina.

And it’s certainly untrue that a woman loses her ability to reach orgasm she gets older – that’s ludicrous! Often a woman’s orgasm frequency and intensity is much greater after the menopause.

When men can’t get an erection, they tend to lose a major part of their self-image of being a fertile and sexual man. Often the problem is physical – circulation problems, prostate problems, and sometimes side effects of prescription medications can all affect a man’s ability to get an erection. These PHYSICAL  causes account for the vast majority of erectile difficulties.

Of course sex won’t stay the same as you get older, that’s inevitable because your fitness and health change, and it can be difficult, for example, to get into certain sexual positions.

But it’s important to keep sight of the fact that if you’re in a long-term relationship, you almost certainly know your partner very intimately indeed, and you’ll be very familiar with each other’s bodies.

This allows for a greater level of relaxation and confidence during sexual activity, and this in turn will produce much better and more enjoyable sex for both the man and the woman.

And because (inevitably) hormones are declining, and your sex drive with them, in many cases sex becomes the result of emotional attachment rather than simply physical desire – which makes it more satisfying and fulfilling for almost everybody.

(Hormone replacement therapy for men is available, in case you didn’t know that fact.)

Where a couple find sex less rewarding and fulfilling, the reason is likely to be some kind of emotional issue – perhaps a man or his partner has failed to accept the fact that aging is inevitable, with all the implications this has for damage to self-image.

Moving gracefully into old age is vital, and to accept who you are as you get older, may not be a simple process. It relies on emotional stability, emotional maturity, and acceptance of what is, rather than what you would like things to be.

Strangely enough, women tend find this process more easy than men – which is probably something to do with men having to retire and give up their work; this forms a massive part of most men’s self-identity throughout most of their life.

If you’re experiencing any difficulty about the changes happening to you in midlife, it’s well with finding a therapist or counsellor who has experience in this field.