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More About Delayed Ejaculation

Can’t Ejaculate During Sex?

Read this book to find out about couples’ experience of ejaculation problems.

Here’s what one guy emailed to me about his experience of DE:

I have read through the content (of this book) and so far this has helped me see some things from a new set of eyes and dispel some unhealthy and non-productive thought processes which have been inhibiting me – mental blindspots, so to speak. But here is my story…

I actually first had sex much later than most men. I was always very horny as an adolescent and was never shy to masturbate. I was always easily turned on and still am, and get erect straight away with women from either cuddling, kissing, dancing, etc … even sometimes when talking over the phone non-sexually but simply being excited by the girl nonetheless!

Women have even commented on how I’m hard so soon and that they like this because they don’t need to turn me on. The problems started from my first time having sex with a girl. I was SO nervous I got extremely cold and was physically shaking.

When I eventually pulled myself together and the interaction with her was building and we were about to have sex, as soon as it became 100% certain and there was no turning back and we were going to have sex, at that moment where I had to step up and insert my penis, I got nervous again and lost my erection.

Delayed Ejaculation Due To Emotional Pressure

After that I settled down and the girl wanted to go to sleep, but I got aroused again and was desperate to have sex. Something wasn’t right – I couldn’t even ejaculate during intercourse. This exact cycle repeated with other girls.

Each time I would beat myself up more and more and couldn’t understand how I could be so aroused but when it came time to have sex it felt like my penis lost all feeling and I completely lost my erection.

I made it worse for myself by thinking how this shouldn’t happen to a man, and telling myself that no-one else suffered from this. It was only as I got more experienced that I realized alcohol plays its part. In these early sexual experiences which were the end of various “nights out”, there was drink involved.

Video – delayed ejaculation

Eventually, I had sex with a girl who became my long term girlfriend and this problem went away, however intermittently I would suffer from a delayed ejaculation. Now I’m single again, both problems have re-occurred. I have taken as honest a look as possible at myself and tried to find out what is going on in my head. Here is where I think my problems stem from:

  • Because of the problems above, I learned to become good at foreplay (I guess as a defense mechanism so that even if I couldn’t perform, I could satisfy her and make her orgasm) and I naturally get turned on by her being turned on, which I love. But this leaves me getting in my head and being tied up too much in if she is enjoying it to the point that if she isn’t then neither will I.
  • I got body-shy as an adolescent and thought I had a small penis, as I think I’m a “grower not a showerso to speak, but when erect I am above average size and had compliments from women which I felt were just kind-hearted encouragement. Does a lack of self-confidence play a part in my delayed climax, do you think?
  • I had a deep rooted sense that women don’t enjoy sex and do it as a favor for the man (“lie back and think of your duty” sort of thing), where this came from I can only guess. Maybe from the media or women joking about sexually incompetent men, or maybe the stereotype of the woman making the man wait for sex. However, this led me to make the incorrect links and associations in my head. Delayed ejaculation is not so simple, I know that now!
  • I have my own unique way of masturbating, its sort of a fingers and thumb grip, quite hard with no real contact with my palm. The other thing is the rhythm of it, it is normal and then when I get the natural good feelings of arousal up the shaft I follow them up to the head of the penis and change to a shorter more vigorous motion to enhance the feeling. However this has led to problems now. Women use a more standard, softer grip with a standard up down motion. Obviously they can’t feel those feelings I get in the shaft of my penis so don’t know to change the motion. (Editor’s note: traumatic masturbatory syndrome is a common cause of problems ejaculating.)
  • I have always felt embarrassed talking about sex and self-conscious of being some type of sleazy guy around women. When instead I should realize my desires come from the right place and they are healthy and what being a man is all about.
  • I have in the past masturbated against my mattress but I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve done this. It leads me to ejaculate quite quickly.
  • As I got into my head about needing to be the best at foreplay, I have started to see that I neglected the fact that I need turning-on too, and yet I couldn’t answer a girl if she asked me how or where I like to be touched. I have made the mistake that just because I am erect that I am turned on!
  • The big one that I feel really applies to me is that I can’t let go, enjoy the moment and lose myself in the sex, I am a bit of a control freak and perfectionist with myself! Is this the cause of my difficulties with ejaculation?
  • I am more in my head than body, wondering if  she enjoys it, am I taking too long to cum, what ‘should’ I be doing next to overcome my ejaculation “slowness”? And for some reason I get really self conscious about how I’ll look and sound when I climax and get embarrassed, ridiculous huh? And this is what I feel is the major issue for me! Rationally I look at it and say, “I love nothing more than to see her cum because of me” but I can’t seem to apply it to the same truth that she is wanting to see and feel me cum, maybe it stems from the ‘women not liking sex’ thing I mentioned before.
  • I don’t know if it’s related but I also get pee shy at urinals.
  • When I feel myself not ejaculating, in vain I then try to access my masturbation fantasies but they don’t come to mind.

I feel a lot of these problems have stemmed from me making false links in my head about what I thought sex was and how it was supposed to work when I was younger.

I can rationalize now but this deeper stuff is coming back to bite me on the ass! I am now trying to replace all this negative programming with truth about the actual reality of the situation. I found that the majority of the techniques available for curing delayed ejaculation need a supporting partner and I am single. But so far:

  • I am changing how I masturbate to how a woman would do it;
  • Not over-masturbating by just trying to ejaculate as quickly as possible;
  • Working on getting out of my head and into my body; and
  • Realizing that I need to be actually turned on to ejaculate and simply being erect is not the real sign of being properly aroused.


Men’s Sexual Pleasure

You want to give your man sexual pleasure, for sure. Yet somehow you can’t seem to manage it…. he doesn’t ejaculate, and even though he tells you sex was pleasant, you can see his frustration and even his emotional pain. No doubt he’s very happy to pleasure you, but you want to return the favour. What can you do when he can’t ejaculate? (This is called delayed ejaculation; you can read a book about delayed ejaculation here.)

Let’s start by looking at the causes of delayed ejaculation.

One thing that seems to maintain delayed ejaculation is high-frequency idiosyncratic masturbatory behavior. This, put more simply, is hard and fast masturbation. Read more about that here and here. Something as simple as encouraging the man to masturbate with his other hand – which will most likely fail to produce an orgasm – can be helpful in letting him see how his delayed ejaculation and idiosyncratic masturbation have become an ingrained pattern of behavior.

Video – delayed ejaculation – what you need to know

Another cause of delayed ejaculation is the discrepancy between a man’s inner world of fantasy and the actual nature of his sexual relationship with his partner. To overcome this, a couple need to integrate his masturbation fantasies into their sexual relationship, which will not only reduce feelings of guilt but also make it easier to overcome delayed ejaculation.

Dealing With Delayed Ejaculation & Achieving Pleasure

For emotional issues that interfere with delayed ejaculation, one basic strategy is to identify inhibitions and anxieties so that your man and you can come up with new sexual scenarios and develop appropriate techniques to help him reach orgasm.

The aim is always to increase erotic stimulation, identify the man’s orgasm triggers, and increase intimacy. 

Greater intimacy between you and your man is likely to reduce performance pressure on him. Mutual pleasuring will increase verbal and physical intimacy, and this will help to overcome inhibition and sexual isolation.

Video – achieving greater intimacy

Is he ready, really ready, for shared intimacy?

An “automatic” erection does not necessarily mean your man is ready to have sex. His sexual arousal may be too low. So what you can do here is relax, take away expectations of orgasm and d to encourage him to see his ejaculation as a natural culmination of a gradual process of sexual play leading to ever increasing sexual arousal.

As you do this, your man learns to be more direct in his requests for stimulation and more straightforward in allowing himself to enjoy erotic feelings. By being more “selfish,” he will experience more subjective sexual arousal and is more likely to enjoy an orgasm during sex.

Orgasm triggers

A great help in dealing with delayed ejaculation can be multiple forms of stimulation and knowing what will trigger his orgasm. New and different kinds of play might include fantasy, testicle stimulation or playing with his partner’s breast or anal area during sexual intercourse.

Orgasm triggers are very variable from person to person, but you can find out many of them by looking at what he fantasizes about. (He fantasizes to get himself off, so if you can turn fantasy into reality, that will help him overcome DE.)

Intravaginal ejaculation must be approached gradually, with a couple only starting intercourse when they are both highly aroused.

To recap.

Two factors tend to promote and maintain delayed ejaculation: vigorous and fast masturbation patterns and a big gap between a man’s inner world of erotic imagery and the actual reality of his sexual life with his woman. To put that another way: his fantasy turns him on more than his actual sex life with you.

So if you can bring his masturbatory fantasies into the open, this will help to relieve any guilt he feels, aid honest communication between you, and if you can act them out, help him reach orgasm. So, if you can incorporate these fantasies into your sex life, this is going to  help him get aroused and bring him to orgasm faster. 

Simple techniques can help a man in this situation. Even something as simple as switching hands during masturbation, for example, will increase his awareness of the way in which he masturbates and how difficult he may be making it for himself to attain orgasm and ejaculation. If his other hand can’t bring him to climax, no wonder his partner couldn’t do it either!

Therapy can be helpful

If your man is willing to see a therapist, there are many therapies which help overcome delayed ejaculation. One starting point is to examine the inhibitions and fears which may lie behind the problem and to develop sexual situations and techniques to overcome them.

Cognitive-behavioral strategies involve a three-part combination: (1) forming a connected and close intimate sexual team between man and his partner;

(2) enjoying comfort with sexual pleasuring; and

(3) increasing the level of erotic stimulation.

1 If a man and his partner form an intimate team, the degree of performance pressure which the man feels will be a lot lower. Helping each other to enjoy pleasure is important in generating the increased level of intimacy that can overcome inhibition and a sense of separateness. This is important in overcoming DE.

2. An erection does not mean a man is ready for intercourse. A man may need to be more aroused even if he is hard. A man needs to understand that he can enjoy sexual pleasure and gradually increasing arousal, and ejaculation is the expected end point of arousal.

The more direct the man can be about requesting stimulation, and the more he can enjoy erotic feelings, the more confident he will be of his ability to be sexual and the more likely he is to enjoy high levels of arousal that ill take him to orgasm. The need to be selfish, to seek out his own pleasure, is a key factor in recovering his orgasmic capacity and overcoming DE.

3. There are many ways of getting greater stimulation and greater arousal: enjoying sexual fantasies during partner sex, enjoying stimulation of the testes, perineum, anus and nipples are just some of these. Each man can discover his individual orgasm triggers.

Finally, a man who is hoping to find some effective treatment for overcoming delayed ejaculation should not initiate sexual intercourse until he’s very aroused. Fantasies can be an effective way of heightening arousal.

But remember that change has consequences

It’s important for each of you to ask yourself what’s at risk if the man changes the way he responds during sex. There will certainly be some consequences if the symptoms of delayed ejaculation disappear, though what they might be will be different from couple to couple.

For example, the woman might wonder if the man will search out new sexual experiences with other women; the woman might wonder if he will find her as desirable as he does now; and so on.

 These points, and others like them, can be very enlightening for a couple to discuss as they work through these issues.

When dealing with delayed ejaculation, a couple need to look at their erotic life together. One of the biggest questions is what happens to the foundations of the relationship when you start to work on your sexual issues.

If you have a boring sexual life, and an inhibited attitude to sexual experimentation, bringing some of heir hidden and dark sexual shadows into the light may make your sex lives more vibrant, flowing and exciting.

Men with DE often show exaggerated concern for their partner as a way of hiding the things they fear. Changing the focus of attention from the couple’s inhibitions with each other onto each partner’s own conflicts and fears can be very illuminating!

In other words, while it’s exciting to discover new erotic worlds, it can also be scary and lead to defensiveness, fear and guilt. A man working to get over delayed ejaculation should be aware of which of his own sexual fears (if any) have been sheltered by his apparent inability to ejaculate.

A very effective way of getting to the bottom of a person’s unmet or unexpressed wishes or desires is to have them imagine being completely self-centered in sex, with no need to think of the partner. What would be an ideal sexual scenario if there were no restrictions?

Sex After 50

We see lots of references to sex amongst those in the 20s and 30s age bracket whether it’s on TV, in the movies, in books, magazines and so on but it’s rare that we see a mention of sex between couples of older ages.

That is definitely not to say that the sex life of those over the age of 50 wanes in comparison to other demographics. Many couples and single people over the age of 50 live more fulfilling sex lives than their younger counterparts because they have less distractions and at times they are less stressed!

It’s all about attitude and how you approach it once you hit the milestone of 50. People over that age definitely experience more physical and physiological changes to their bodies but most of these are manageable through a visit to a physician and the like.

The addition of things like adult toys and sex lubrication will also serve to enhance the sex lives of the over 50s and more and more of this demographic are utilizing these types of things to reignite sparks in the bedroom.

Self pleasure sessions and masturbation are also fantastic for those single older players and can be a hugely enriching experience. The people at Carvaka have put together this useful infographic below all about sex after the age of 50. It separates the myths from the facts in terms of sex at this particular age; it details some concerns that people should look out for eg STIs; it also covers some interesting suggestions to create some excitement (should you need it!) in your sex life after the age of 50. Check it all out below!